We wouldn’t tell a friend they aren’t good enough. We wouldn’t remind them of every mistake they’ve made or criticize them for struggling. Instead, we would encourage them, remind them of their strengths, and help them see the good in themselves.
Yet, when it comes to how we speak to ourselves, the same kindness often disappears. We may be quick to judge ourselves, replay failures in our minds, or convince ourselves that we don’t measure up. The words we say to ourselves matter, and when those words are consistently negative, they shape how we see ourselves, how we handle challenges, and how we move forward.
Self-talk is powerful. It influences confidence, motivation, and resilience. It can either push us forward or hold us back. Learning to speak to ourselves with kindness isn’t about ignoring mistakes or avoiding personal growth. It’s about creating an internal dialogue that encourages progress rather than one that reinforces self-doubt.
The Impact of Negative Self-Talk
The things we tell ourselves become the stories we believe. If our inner dialogue is filled with criticism, doubt, and harsh judgments, those messages take root and affect our confidence and ability to take action.
Negative self-talk can:
- Lower self-esteem and self-worth
- Increase stress and anxiety
- Make challenges feel insurmountable
- Reinforce limiting beliefs
- Prevent us from taking risks or pursuing opportunities
It’s easy to think that negative thoughts are harmless because they exist only in our minds. But when those thoughts repeat over time, they shape our mindset and actions. The good news is that just as negative self-talk can wear us down, positive self-talk can build us up.
Reframing Negative Thoughts
The first step in changing how we speak to ourselves is recognizing when negative self-talk happens. We need to pay attention to the way we talk to ourselves in moments of stress, failure, or doubt. Do we immediately criticize ourselves? Do we call ourselves names or assume the worst?
Once we become aware of these patterns, we can begin to reframe them. Instead of letting negative thoughts spiral, we can challenge them with a more balanced perspective.
- Instead of "I always mess up," try "I made a mistake, but I’m learning and improving."
- Instead of "I’m not good enough," try "I have strengths and skills that make me valuable."
- Instead of "I’ll never get this right," try "It may take time, but I can figure it out."
Reframing doesn’t mean ignoring challenges. It means shifting from self-defeating thoughts to constructive ones that allow room for growth.
How to Speak Kindly to Ourselves
Changing the way we talk to ourselves is a habit that takes time and practice. Here are some strategies to develop a more compassionate inner voice:
1. Treat Ourselves Like a Friend
If we wouldn’t say it to a friend, we shouldn’t say it to ourselves. When we catch ourselves being self-critical, we can ask: Would I say this to someone I care about? If not, we should replace it with a kinder, more constructive statement.
2. Acknowledge Strengths and Accomplishments
Negative self-talk often focuses on failures and shortcomings. We can make an intentional effort to remind ourselves of our strengths and past successes. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, we can take time to acknowledge what we have done well.
3. Set Boundaries with Our Inner Critic
Our inner critic will still show up, but we don’t have to give it power. When we notice negative self-talk creeping in, we can pause and redirect it.
- "I’m not listening to that thought."
- "That’s not a fair way to talk about myself."
- "I am allowed to be human and make mistakes."
Setting mental boundaries helps disrupt patterns of self-criticism before they take hold.
4. Practice Positive Affirmations
Affirmations may feel awkward at first, but they help reinforce positive beliefs over time. We can start our day with:
- "I am capable and strong."
- "I am doing my best, and that is enough."
- "I am worthy of kindness from myself and others."
Repeating affirmations regularly can help reshape our internal dialogue.
5. Focus on Progress, Not Perfection
Perfectionism fuels negative self-talk by making every mistake feel like failure. We can shift our focus from achieving perfection to making progress. Growth comes through effort and learning, not flawless execution.
Why Self-Kindness Matters
The way we speak to ourselves affects how we approach life. A harsh inner critic makes obstacles seem bigger, failures more permanent, and achievements less meaningful. But when we cultivate a supportive inner voice, we create resilience, confidence, and the motivation to keep going.
Speaking kindly to ourselves isn’t about ignoring difficulties—it’s about meeting them with the same compassion and encouragement that we would offer to someone else. We deserve that kindness, too.
Let’s challenge ourselves to be mindful of our self-talk. Let’s notice when negativity creeps in and practice shifting to a more supportive perspective. A little self-kindness can go a long way in shaping how we see ourselves and what we believe we’re capable of achieving.
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Stacey Montgomery
Founder, Stacey M Design Inc.
With my Sunshine and Self-CareTM Greeting Card Subscription Program, I seek to remind us that even as we enjoy supporting others, to also tend to our own needs and goals. Each month it includes a Note to Self card which is a reminder of ways that we can practice self-care, self-love, and self-advocacy. Click here to learn more about Sunshine and Self-CareTM Greeting Card Subscription Program.
©Stacey Montgomery, 2025. All rights reserved.
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